Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
