So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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