Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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