I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
