at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
