I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
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Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
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Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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