he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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