Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
