Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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