my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
