Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
