just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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