I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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