Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
