Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
