I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
