then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
