I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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