You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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