Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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