someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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