I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My ATM looks so different sober.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
