I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Drunk is not a location!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
