He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
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Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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