I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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