When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
