walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
