I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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