I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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