I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I could fuck to npr.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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