My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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