i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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