i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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