i need an iv and a liver transplant
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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