matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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