Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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