Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
