God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
