...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
