I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
