wanna go halves on a baby?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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