It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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