Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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