Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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