So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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