Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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