why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
