Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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