Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
