It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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