it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
