Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I met the friendliest cop last night
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
