everyone is single if you try hard enough
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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