you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
How's work?
Spinning.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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