just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Alive.
So much puke
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
