CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Text me some of your sweat
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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