ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
