if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
