drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
