So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
