the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
