If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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