every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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