The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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